Sunday, March 09, 2008

Sunday church bulletin

I was showered, hair & makeup done when I realized that I was 1 hour behind. Crap! So in honor of church here is a little something sent to me by my mother in law. Even you heathens might get a laugh.

They're Back! Those wonderful Church Bulletins! Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. Some old, some new. These sentences ( with all the BLOOPERS ) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:

The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water." The Sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say "Hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM . All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours


Nuke said...

Thanks Spyder, that really takes me back! The whole thing was fun, but the low self esteem thing made me snort hard (seriously, I think I hurt my brain).

N }:-

Spyder said...

nuke- Hope it's not permanent!

Zhu said...

Okay, let's keep in mind I kinda have a fever right now and a cold but... I had to read twice to realize it just wasn't the "usual" stuff! Then I couldn't stop laughing. God, my sense of humor is weird these days. :D

Spyder said...

Zhu- Are you still on your trip? Or are you back in Canada? Hope you get feeling better.

Nuke said...

Well if it is, I hope it isn't the part of my brain I use.

Waldo Oiseau said...

Spyder, I couldn't stop giggling either. Very wholesome funny-ness. And, it too, reminded me of my childhood days at church. I can just picture the church ladies who typed these up. Thanks for sharing.

Spyder said...

Oiseau I never find anything like this in our bulletins.

Zhu said...

Still in France for a couple of weeks. Feeling better now... still a bit weak but hey, happens! ;)

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